I body shamed my own self

While growing up I was a skinny girl. I never thought about my weight or what I should or should not eat. I could easily find the clothes of my size and weight was never an issue. I would eat whatever I want, junk food and soda- the usual things that kids like.

During graduation too I was thin. My friends and classmates would tell me how lucky I was not to be over- weight. That was the first time I noticed that I had a good body which was considered ideal by the society.

After graduation, I took a break from studies. I started preparing for competitive exams and spent a lot of time home studying. During this period, I started eating a lot. I didn’t even notice what all I was eating. My morning would begin with two stuffed parathas, loaded with ghee. Everyday. All throughout the day I would be sitting in one place. Afternoon would be a heavy lunch, chapatis as well as rice, everyday. By evening I was hungry again and would munch on bread or chips. Dinner would be a normal sized meal but since I would sleep late at night, I would get hungry again at around 1- 2 am. I would always have chips, namkeen, noodles, soda stocked up. At one point I would eat cup noodles every single night. So much that today I cant stand their plastic smell. Because of this unhealthy eating pattern, I started gaining weight which I never realised. My sister pointed out to me that I had but I couldn’t see it. One day I was shopping in Zara. I noticed my body while walking towards a full mirror. I noticed that I had gained so much weight, it was shocking. I had always been told by my friends that I had a body type which doesn’t gain weight. This was unbelievable.

I started to work out at home but saw no results. I was still demotivated and tempted to eat. Moreover, now I know that I wasn’t exercising correctly. I stopped within a week and was back to binging. It happened a couple of times that people I knew commented on my weight, that I looked rounder and less attractive. It was hurting. A few more comments were meaner and ruder. To resolve this without exercising, I started throwing up my food. I had read somewhere that doing this would satisfy your eating temptations and not add calories to your body. I would binge and then quickly go inside the washroom, put my finger back of my mouth and make myself throw up. The guilt after eating stopped. My stomach started feeling light. This continued for a couple of months and I did lose weight. But also my face started looking dull and my teeth started becoming sensitive because of the acid which enters the mouth while throwing up. Also, I couldn’t keep food in my stomach at all. I eventually stopped because I was weak all the time.

I started following this one crazy diet for a week which made me lose 2-3 kgs more. While this whole phase was going on, I always felt unattractive and bad about myself. I was always unhappy. I wasn’t meeting any friends, would spend all my time in my room. I would consider myself ugly and knew I would never be able to be with a good looking boy. People had commented on my body but I body- shamed my own self.

When I again started college, I met good people and made amazing friends. One of them was very health conscious and I saw that its not about a thin or a fat body but about being healthy. I again started working out at home, started eating healthy. I took tips from her and eventually joined the gym. I did lose weight and I am fit today. I love my body. I don’t want to become skinny. Healthy is the way to be.

I don’t promote that being thin is the best. Throwing up food is the WORSE you can do to your body. Its really harmful and can rot your teeth and gums too. Being healthy is how you should be. Its not only through the gym that you can be fit, you can join dance classes (I did for a while) or Zumba or join a sport, whatever you like. Its important to stay active. One of the most satisfying feelings is to achieve a good body. Eat right, work out and feel better about yourself. Because its important to have a healthy body to love and enjoy life.

Shruti

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